I am a Beautiful Mess.

holy week - one with nature. :)

Sun, 24 Apr 2011 05:04:28 -0400

holy week - one with nature. :)

"You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before she may love again. But if she..."

Sun, 20 Feb 2011 02:38:02 -0500

““You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She’s not perfect - you aren’t either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break - her heart. So don’t hurt her, don’t change her, don’t analyze and don’t expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she’s not there.””

- Bob Marley

"In desperate love, we always invent the characters of our partners, demanding they be what we need..."

Wed, 16 Feb 2011 08:47:07 -0500

““In desperate love, we always invent the characters of our partners, demanding they be what we need of them, and then feeling devastated when they refuse to perform the role we created in the first place.””

- Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert

"What I want is to be needed. What I need is to be indispensable to somebody. Who I need is somebody..."

Sun, 13 Feb 2011 21:35:15 -0500

““What I want is to be needed. What I need is to be indispensable to somebody. Who I need is somebody that will eat up all my free time, my ego, my attention. Somebody addicted to me. A mutual addiction.””

- Chuck Palahniuk

"Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don’t know how to replenish its source. It..."

Fri, 11 Feb 2011 00:52:47 -0500

““Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don’t know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings.””

- Anaïs Nin

"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go,..."

Fri, 11 Feb 2011 00:23:37 -0500

““I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they’re right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.””

- Marilyn Monroe

Some of today's collection of quotes on moving forward.

Tue, 08 Feb 2011 00:51:24 -0500

“Quietly forgiving and moving on is a gift to God; and yourself.”

“Do not worry if you feel low; the sun has a sinking spell every night, but rises again all right the next morning.”

“Letting go isn’t a one-time thing, it’s something you have to do everyday, over and over again.”

Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving. - Albert Einstein

contrary to my last post... here's another quote...

Tue, 08 Feb 2011 00:27:59 -0500

“Letting go has never been easy, but holding on can be as difficult. Yet strength is measured not by holding on, but by letting go.”
~ Len Santos

my clueless mind.

Sun, 06 Feb 2011 07:36:57 -0500

“Anyone can give up, it’s the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that’s true strength.”

I just don’t really understand or know how strong i actually am. I thought giving up was a sign of my strength - strength to save myself and to understand my true worth. But then, I went ‘soft’ and admitted to myself it was easier said than done and gave things another chance. Love wasn’t something I could lose with a flick of a switch. I get too attached with pretty much anything. And this 3 year relationship was definitely much harder to detach myself from. I had every reason to break free, but where am I now? Still here. Still hanging on.

Until now, two months have passed, and the way things are going is still a big blur. Was giving up a way to test my strength… or by trying to hold it together against all odds means I’m actually being strong?

No effin’ clue.

Great Wall of China! woooot!

Sat, 01 Jan 2011 08:11:09 -0500

Great Wall of China! woooot!

chillin' china

Sat, 01 Jan 2011 08:07:00 -0500

I’m in beijing and its freezing cold here!! Not as winter-ready as i thought. :p I’m blogging just to share that it sucks to not have TWITTER here.. not even facebook!! :( I actually heard about it way before.. but i guess i only started to care when i got here. darn. I googled up for reasons.. and this is what i get..

Control of the people by controlling the media. The people hear only what the media controlled by the government has to say. Outside opinions and views are not tolerated. Plus they need to prevent open discussion from people in China to the outside world. In essence, anyone who disagrees with the government is demonized and their views attacked and blocked.

Serioulsy? I mean, seriously? How closed minded people can you get. No offense meant for the chinese in the phils. :P

The people here are just as cold as their weather. haha. LABO. #anodaw

"Let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth."

Tue, 07 Dec 2010 10:52:17 -0500

““Let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth.””

- 1 John 3:18

Lie to me.

Sun, 05 Dec 2010 06:55:00 -0500

You can only push a girl away for so long, until she walks out of your life on her own. So be careful and make sure that this is what you want, because once she turns around, she isn’t coming back.

My previous blogs have been about me getting by each day just fine. I gave my pillows a break for two days, until last night. I cried myself to sleep again. I hate weekends. Its when I’m most idle. My thoughts just get me all messed up.

I ended it with him because of a BIG FAT lie he told me just to be with his buds. Now i realize I could be lying… to you, to him, and to myself. I MISS HIM SO MUCH. There have been moments I wish he’d text just to know if he’s okay. I know I’ve been mad at him… but i still care. I want to see him after school. At the end of the day, I want to tell him how my day went and him tell me how his went. I want weekdays to be just the way they were. I know I don’t deserve what he did, thats why i decided to walk away. I was pushed over the edge, now, i’m just fighting to survive.

He told me once this week that he wanted me back. I know I cant take him back because I can’t trust him.. at least not just yet. It’s every relationship’s foundation, right? So he insisted he’d do the best he can to regain that trust. To give him a chance. I think about what that “best he can” had meant. Sadly, I haven’t heard a word from him since. Haven’t seen his face. Not a shadow. I guess this is the BEST he boasts about.

With all this, I find myself hoping we’d be okay. We’d at least be friends. I can’t believe this is what’s running in my head right now. I had a very good reason to turn around and just leave indefinitely. But i’d lie to you if i said I wasn’t expecting on his plans to get us back the way we were.

Now it seems wanting me back was also a BIG FAT lie.

If this is how its suppose to go… then he should let me know. Let me know what he really wants. So I can finally decide to walk away without having to look back.

I’m so messed up.

doing just fine.

Thu, 02 Dec 2010 13:21:31 -0500

Nope, not quoting boyzIImen. That would be too emo. Been veering away from the boy band’s depressing songs. This blog is just another pat on the back.

Luckily, my day was loaded. Yes, now I take the workload as a gift from God.. it used to seem like punishment. Then, I had an event tonight. I must admit at first I was quite hesitant to go since the place had memories and night outs have been usually spent with him. I definitely didn’t need to be reminded. But then again, it was my job. So either I face it now, or i begin drifting away from doing what I’m being paid for too.

My friend’s boyfriend was asking for him, and I was able to tell him that we were split without crying. I didn’t spend the night drowning myself with alcohol. I’d be lying though if I say I didn’t have moments when I secretly wished I had him around. (Lying is bad.) I do miss his company. My ultimate diversion? Food. Friends. Music. The DJ was playing all 90s music and I was too engrossed with the childhood memories that came with the old school sounds. For at least a second I felt a certain unsuperficial joy.

I dont know where this leads to. Me, him, us.. or the non-existence of us. But this one-day-at-a time thing actually works. How about tomorrow? Bring it on. Whether there be a breakdown, or a burst of laughter.. a text from him, or his complete absence… I just have to take it..

..all I know is I just need to start loving me again. In a non-conceited way. With him or without him.

one day at a time.

Wed, 01 Dec 2010 11:14:57 -0500

And so it took me a tragic event to get myself to blog.

After 3 years of a rollercoaster ride, the cart just crashed. Just when i didnt expect it. I had several opportunities to take it to a halt, but for some reason, it was meant to be unexpected, undiscussed, unplanned.

I don’t understand why on a holiday season, why on that day, why do it, why me. But however i look at this situation, it was just bound to happen. Heartbreaking.

I can’t go on detail how all of this mess happened as this blogging’s kind of a public thing. I decided twitter’s not doing me any good since people think im some kind of an overly dramatic and emotional person. So only who care enough to find out what’s actually going on in my head would bother clicking on a link.. or bother reading the whole blog through.

Trying to get myself back up on my feet after the breakup has been quite a challenge. I’ve never invested much of myself to anyone before. After he did what he did, I’ve been mad, angry, frustrated, confused, and heavily hurt. It was like he left me with no choice.. and now I have to live with it. On the first day of this so-called singlehood, I managed to go to the mall, some sort of distraction, a diversion.. did some shopping as if I just flunked a college exam. Helped a bit i guess, then came midnight, I ended up crying myself to sleep. Day 2 was rough. I spent about 15 hours on my bed. Read a book, cried, watched a dvd, cried, changed my FB status to single, cried, phoned a friend, then again, cried myself to sleep. My 3rd day came the real challenge.. I had to go to work. We used to go to work together and go home together. It sunk in that I wasn’t gonna have him around but there was no way I’d let other people see me cry. I got myself to focus on my work deliverables for a good 10 hours. By 6:30pm, I realized I’d be off in a few minutes, then it just dawned on me, I was going home alone. Everything I managed to bottle up since morning just came out like Coke from a shaken can. I had a major episode which was rather embarrassing, I tried to stop but I couldn’t. My tears have never felt so free. I rushed home, then again cried myself to sleep.

Today however, i give myself a pat on the back. Soon as i woke up, I talked to God. I just can’t make myself feel this much misery again. I did, in all my power, the exact opposite of what was expected of me, the ‘depressed’ me. I sang my heart out in the car, greeted everyone when i got in, joked around, treated a friend, and most importantly I laughed. May appear to be quite the extreme - a girl freshly broken is acting like she’s in tip top shape. What was I to do anyway? I couldn’t find the right balance. I know I’d just easily snap and go on a tearfest. Crazy is what it is, but it sort of worked. Not a single tear shed.

Or at least not yet.

I dread the days like my 3rd, and i don’t know if i can always keep up with a day like today. Laughing on the surface can only do so much.

*sigh*

TBC…

love it.

Sat, 24 Jul 2010 23:46:04 -0400

love it.

the story of my life, err, love life.

Thu, 22 Jul 2010 02:47:00 -0400

I got some old school music from Ms. Trisha’s mp3 collection.. as I was playing it, I ended up with an “I can relate!” song… here it goes…

Heart To Heart
Kenny Loggins
by Kenny Loggins, Michael McDonald & David Foster

You ain’t crazy
I ain’t gonna lie anymore
What you’re feelin’
there’s a reason for
I wanna do right
Oh, I gotta do right
Do I love you?
Oh, you know I’ve tried
But what you’re after
You can’t find in my eyes
I wanna do right
Darlin’ Tell the truth
Don’t turn away
This is our last chance
To touch each others hearts
Does anything last forever?
I don’t know
Maybe we’re near the end
Darlin’ oh how can we go on together
Now that we’ve grown apart
Well the only way to start
Is heart to heart
One by one
We’re collecting lies
When you can’t give love
You give alibis
Now I’m gonna do right
This time I gotta do right
I don’t wanna leave
I don’t wanna say good-bye
But sooner or later
There comes a time
When you gotta do right
Darlin’ Tell the truth
Don’t turn away
This is our last chance
To touch each others hearts
Does anything last forever?
I don’t know
Maybe we’re near the end
Darlin’ how can we go on together
Now that we’ve grown apart
Well the only way to start
Is heart to heart
Why are you so torn apart?
I need a little more lovin’ in my heart
People say that love will grow
So how was I to know
Love that’s come through years and years
Can’t find a way back home anymore

words to live by.. =P

Wed, 21 Jul 2010 06:20:14 -0400

words to live by.. =P

moving on

Wed, 21 Jul 2010 06:10:00 -0400

@junosan thanks for reblogging my pics. *blush* you were right about it! it’s pretty challenging when it comes to focusing since you’ll need a keen eye for it. love it love it love it. ♥ lemme know about your other discoveries on lenses. ;-)

buying my new lens is just like chopping my hair off. you know how it is when you just broke up with your supposed better half or if you just made a life altering decision, and you go on chopping what else - your crowning glory. it’s a change. it’s something new. it’s moving forward.

I’ve been going through a lot during the past weeks. like most girls, i resulted to shopping to keep my mind off the issues. instead of chopping my hair, i chopped off my camera’s lens. hah. bought myself something that can keep my head off the grief and confusion. and it successfully turned out the way i want it. at least for now.

my mind’s shallow. diversion was all it took. a change of interest.

so here’s to more photos. :)

disclaimer: i’m not trying to be a pro. just mere appreciation of light and stills.

"Quietly forgiving and moving on is a gift to God ~ and yourself."

Tue, 20 Jul 2010 04:40:18 -0400

““Quietly forgiving and moving on is a gift to God ~ and yourself.””

- Unknown